5 Effective Ways to Control Your Emotions

There are 5 effective ways to control your emotions (at least)!

Indeed, as Oscar Wilde cleverly remarked, "I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them."

According to James J. Gross, a psychologist and professor at Stanford University and best known for his research in emotion and emotion regulation, the inability to control or regulate your emotions is at the root of some psychological disorders, including depression, social anxiety, and borderline personality.

While these disorders may be at the more extreme end of the spectrum, no matter how psychologically healthy we think we are, most of us can benefit from learning how to manage our emotions in everyday life better.

Gross devised a 4-stage model he calls the "modal model," describing the events that occur when our emotions are evoked. It begins with a specific situation, which we then assess to determine its meaning, followed by an emotional response that results from our assessment of the experience.

Indeed, like anything else, one of the keys to controlling or regulating our emotions is to be prepared in advance. By being prepared, you can nip the problematic emotion in the bud before it gets in the way of living your life.

Here are 5 Ways to Control Your Emotions in Gross' 4-stage model:

1. Situation Selection - involves taking actions to put yourself in a situation where you know which emotions you are likely to experience or not experience, depending on what you want.

For example, if you know you always get agitated and overwhelmed when shopping at a crowded mall, shop when it's less busy, and you can take all the time you need to make good purchase choices.

Similarly, if you know listening to music before exercising puts you in a good and energetic mood, then listen to music before you exercise.

By selecting the situation and preparing yourself appropriately, you can control your emotional response.

2. Situation modification - takes place during what could be a potentially stressful situation, and you take it upon yourself to modify the external physical environment.

If, for instance, you know you get nervous when you have the boss over for dinner, instead of trying to prepare the meal yourself and risk 'flopping' by being anxious, you have it catered. Instead of worrying about how they will enjoy the evening, set a relaxing mood with candles, a warm fire, and soft music. This way, you ensure a welcoming, relaxed ambiance.

Again, you control the situation and, in turn, your emotions.

3. Attentional Deployment - Unlike the first two situations, where you change the environment, attentional deployment involves directing one's attention towards or away from an emotional situation. It is an internal version of situation selection whereby you change your focus or choose how to think about the circumstance.

By changing your thinking, you change your response.

For instance, if you're about to audition for a play with many accomplished actors, which might leave you feeling intimidated, one way to shift your focus away from your perceived inadequacy is to highlight your accomplishments. You could concentrate on your natural talent, capability, and willingness to work hard and, therefore, have less time to worry about anything else.

By shifting your focus and attention, you can control your emotional response.

4. Cognitive Change - involves changing how you assess the situation to alter its emotional meaning.

Sometimes, no matter what other strategies you may have employed, you must alter the meaning of a situation by entirely reappraising it. In other words, you must reframe or think of it differently.

If, as an illustration, your significant other forgot your birthday and you were hurt and disappointed, believing they no longer cared, you could employ a cognitive change or reappraisal of the situation. Perhaps they lost track of the date, had more pressing issues, or were distracted.

Changing your thoughts in this case would not alter the situation. However, you would change the way it affects you.

5. Response modulation directly influences physiological, experiential, or behavioral responses.

For example, exercise, meditation, or counting to 10 when you're angry or upset can decrease the physiological and experiential aspects of negative emotions. Although response modulation is most effective when combined with one of the other strategies, it is nonetheless valid.

In that regard, Gross suggests that relying solely on physiological responses could lead to suppressed emotions, which, in turn, may present other unwanted issues. Even so, regular physical activity has been shown to reduce emotional distress and improve overall emotional control.

As you can see, Gross's 4-stage model is one that you can, with practice, apply to the most troublesome emotional situations. Modifying your thought processes, assessments, and reactions will lead to better control of your overall emotions.